If only I could touch the hem of His robe, I would be healed.
No. Wait. That wasn’t right.
Not enough conviction.
Not enough hope.
Not enough faith.
Yeah, that’s it.
Let me try again.
If only I could touch the hem of His robe, I would be healed.
Again, wrong.
I didn’t say it right.
It didn’t work.
I repeat myself.
If only I could touch the hem of His robe…
If only I could touch the hem of His robe…
God, what is wrong with me?
Why won’t you cure me?
Did I not smile enough as a child?
Did I not love enough as an adult?
What did I do wrong? Tell me.
If only I could…
If only I could…
As I sit here in the twilight hours,
From the setting of the sun to its rising again,
Wretched with pain and exhausted,
I keep praying.
If only I could…
If only I could…
It is my prayer — my only hope.
The TV is on in the background.
The sound a low mumble. A slight distraction.
I keep chanting.
If only I could touch the hem of His robe…
If only I could touch the hem of His robe…
Every second of every hour.
Every minute of every day.
It is my prayer.
It is my hope.
It is what keeps me sane.
If… If… If…
If only I could touch the hem of His robe, I would be cured.
And, you know, maybe someday He will.
Author’s Note: I don’t even know how to explain the circumstances surrounding the writing of this poem. First of all, it is literally one of four poems I have ever seriously written. It was stupid o’clock in the morning when I wrote it. I was on end of life care when I did. So I was on so many pain meds I am surprised I could spell my own name at the time. And at the time I was in so much pain I thought my heart would blessedly give out. If you don’t understand this, God has blessed you.
Secondly, if the poem is horrible, that really doesn’t matter. It was heartfelt and personal. Personal to me.
How do you explain when you lived through something so dark and actually made it through the other side relatively whole? I talk very little about it from time to time. But I don’t REALLY talk about it.
Take this as it is. Know that I went through something rough. And it was on this night in 2013 that I found God. I touched His robe.
Testimonies are personal. And powerful.
When I was age 28-31, I suffered painful and debilitating Crohns Disease, and I was fully disabled and supposed to die. Folks I knew wondered why God didn't heal me immediately. I had faith. They prayed. I prayed. I believed. I studied Job. I had a Quaker pastor anoint me with oil while on my deathbed in the hospital. I had babies and was hospitalized so much after my second child that family took bets I wouldn't survive Christmas. Then one day, I woke up and I started to feel better. Then I had my second round of surgeries June 10, 1991 and got up off my deathbed.
I was off all medicines within three weeks, enrolled in ROP Banking school, went to college, university, became a CPA, and had a full good life and raised up my kids with my hubby. I even lived long enough to see my first grandbaby! Now how's THAT for a blessing?
God reached my agnostic (wife) and atheist (husband) best friends and saved them because I got better. Salvation through Jesus Christ reached through my husband's best friend's family, who were like family to us. I received a phone call from the wife (who helped take care of me at lunchtime when I was pregnant and bedridden while pregnant with my second child) when she was suffering leukemia. I could not get to her across country, no money; I wanted so bad to go and help her. I was so heartbroken until she told me not to worry, and that she's going to heaven soon, and her husband also got saved because God made me get better and not die after such a long terrible illness. Happy tears. Crown jewels. I'll see them all again when I get there. I am certain of it. My favorite people, all in heaven and happy, just like He promised.
So He gave me an early answer for the "Why" question about nine years later. I always figured I'd find out why when I meet Him, why I went through Crohns and why healing wasn't instant. So blessed.
Testimonies are personal. And powerful. God definitely has a plan for us. #GodWins
That’s strength and beauty through God. As usual, very well
written.